Thursday, January 25, 2007

Love and Paris and this old red journal I used to write in

I had a really mean post about me-and-Hugo-drama fired up earlier this week but I held off on it. I’m glad I did because last night I nearly fell in love with him all over again. Just, you know, over dinner and drinks at home. We let our conversation roll and jut out into a million different directions. We laughed and made lofty wishes about who we’d most like to have dinner with. We basically just talked, as simple as that. I realized half way through the magic hours that we were doing what we do best right then and that we really needed it. We were intellectually and emotionally inspiring each other.

When we fell in love it was all about art and passion and perspective. Besides being totally seduced by his gorgeous body I was seduced by his mind and ability to understand and amaze me. It is truly a case of loving the way he thinks.

~How I Feel About Paris Today~

Taken from my journal:

Written in a very cold chateau somewhere in northern France:

So this will be my first full day at this castle. I do not like it very much, mainly because it is boring. I was in paris for only one day after I arrived in France. After being gone for only a few hours I already missed it. Now I will go and write my sister.

Six months later – same red journal:


Sitting alone in this room in Paris, France – I reflect on my past and those events that have passed. Was it all a dream? Was I ever anywhere but here? Did I never leave at all – will I open my eyes tomorrow morning and still have a dog, a husband, a job and a car? Please someone reaffirm for me exactly where we are!


So maybe it was all just a moment in time that has already passed. I am not too bitter as I at least half-way understand. This Paris has worn me down- must find a way to make money so I will be okay. The universe seems to have taken from me mostly everything that I've held sacred. Yet I am thankful for the sun today and for the health I have to carry on. I don’t know why it is mapped out for me to be solitaire in this time – yet I do nothing but try to be thankful for this. Bob Marley runs trails through my head, “I know a place – where we can carry on”. Pulsating memories of endearment… We have truly fallen from grace in the eyes of one another. I have no normalcy here, only the knowledge that I am alone. So maybe it was all just a moment in time that has already passed. Maybe I can’t complain about this and should just be thankful again for what I have learned from it. Yes – “I know a place – where we can carry on”. I find solace in companionship – but none can truly hear me. My problems are met by the sighs and rolling eyes of those who are meant to be comfort in my darkest hour. This journal is a recollection of a journey in the making – one not yet finished- yet already over forever. I just must know - one day I will be okay again.

For song lyrics to I know a Place click here.


Your Mom said...

This time in YOUR life is so hard for me to look back on. It makes me feel quiet and scared and very very THANKFULL that you endured,grew and only have more wisdom to share with the world.
I celebrate your strength.
I have always believed in you.
I hope for us to share your Paris with me one day.

cutiepiespacepop said...

she's beautiful carrie...

Marian said...

I always love your writing.