Tuesday, November 27, 2007

In a Funk

The past few days, no, weeks, no, months have been quite blasé. I know I was excited and posting about how wonderful Germany is going to be and how my blog will be all dedicated to the excitement leading up to that, but the reality is that I am friggin miserable – day and night. I really grasping, trying to get myself out of this funk but it seems to have permeated pretty deep underneath my skin. The unfortunate thing about this is that this was supposed to be my fall, as in the season fall. The summer sucked big time, the spring was mildly and fleetingly exciting and fall was supposed to be the season. Hugo and I dusted our knees off and said, “okay – here it is – a new season” we were smiling and hopeful that this season would bring a nice gathering of friends and a healthy new outlook on life to go with it. But it hasn’t, this season has been more of the same bitching, moaning and wining on my part. I am miserable in my life. It definitely does not feel so very brilliant right now. This blog is dedicated to the brilliance, so I am trying really hard to capture some of that. I think my life has become so dull for me because I no longer have anything to look forward to. School was all about finishing and leaving Atlanta. Now I am staring at year one of after school. I do not miss being in a perpetual state of I hate my life and want to finish school and stop bar-tending. This, however, has not been too much better. I find myself freaked out by the amount of federal taxes being taken from my paychecks, the reality of working for vacation days and the complete and utter lack of having any kind of a savings. All of this has landed me in a deep state of depression and I can’t claw my way out. I am still hoping that Germany will do that for me, that being back in Europe will remind of what I love about life – but there are no guarantees there. I will keep you updated, hopefully with more frequent posting. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t’ post as much when I hate my life.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007


I don't want to post this, I am only doing so because I also don't want to go too long in between my posts because I fear no one reads them anymore because I am an unreliable updater. There - I said it, and all in one sentence too. Overall I have been stressed out, frustrated and very unhappy. If i am really honest with myself I will tell you that I have been this way for almost an entire year. Life sucks and I'm depressed. The worst part of all this is that I have such typical and mundane complaints. I am trying to change that though I am currently reading a wonderful book called Rich Dad, Poor Dad and I am just convinced it is going to change my life. Really I probably need to be back in therapy, just so I can be miserable with a therapist and maybe have some relief in my daily life.
Anyways - I am planning on rereading some old posts to find trends in my thinking and blah blah blah. I will try to write again soon.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

A Life Update

This Saturday morning has started out tranquil. Hugo brought me breakfast and tea in bed while I watched a romantic comedy starring Vince Vaughn at his finest. I loungingly walked Shaka around my beautiful neighborhood and photographed the journey around the block, such a relaxing time to have to myself after such a crazy week of work.

The last week of my life has been consumed with a theme I seem to revisit at least 3 times a year. I have again become obsessed with moving away from Atlanta. This time it is a real possibility. Things were looking like it was going to happen quicker than I could actually digest the change. Now things have slowed down a bit and I am left contemplating what it is that my heart truly desires.

I believe I already know the answer to this question. I believe that the plan was never for me to return to Atlanta and live here forever. It turns out, I’ve been back in this town for 6 years now. That’s quite a while for someone who only came back to leave.

The decision to move is no longer up to me for the moment. I just have to wait. And as you all know, waiting for someone else to decide my life is not something I am very good at. I am trying to distract myself with projects around the home, cleaning, writing, walking the dog and taking pictures. I am sick of pining, talking, pleading, adrenaline induced highs from all of the possibilities that abound. I keep telling myself that it will be okay no matter what. That I will be happy either way, but I am actually terrified that the chance to move will disappear and I will stuck here in Atlanta another year, trying to get out. That is as honest as I can be.

My beautiful sister advised me to go, “just go” she said, “you will be happier”. I believe her because she is a good listener. If any of you are wondering, Hugo is on board as well. I hope – I mean, he wants to be. He will, he can’t stay, there would be no reason for that. I want him with me, we could really have a shot at happiness. I am certain of this. I wonder if it is me, if there is a problem with me. If I should just be happy where I am and stop trying to plan my escape. I have a creeping suspicion that it is me, but it’s not a lack of ability to be happy where I am, it’s quite simply – what I want.

It’s my brilliant life and I can’t escape it. Yes it’s brilliant to live around your family, love them, be close to them. But it’s also brilliant to move to the third largest city in the U.S. and walk around your neighborhood and share your life with the strangers that inhabit the same spaces as you. Chicago is a beautiful city and I’ve been obsessed with it for about 3 years now. It feels right - it feels doable. It feels like the next step for me.

~How I feel about Paris today~

Paris, oh Pairs. I truly, honestly, seriously believe that this move will only bringer me closer to my ultimate dream of leaving the U.S. forever. That’s how I feel about Paris today. The same.