Here's to little bit of brilliance

These past few days have been slightly littered with brilliance, if not extreme beauty. Xmas brought castels, snow, frozen lakes to run and slide on and roasted chestnuts. This is all slightly comforting to me. However, the surprisingly best part of this trip has simply been the time away from that thing that I do that I never talk about on this blog.

I feel upon my return to the states it is my duty to start pursuing the dream of moving back to Europe. Being in Germany this whole time I have realized that this is most certainly not the country for me. Yes, the food is amazing and the villages and towns are gorgeous - but I will leave Germany for vacations - I still want Paris baby.

And I need to, must do so, absolutley have to make this happen for myself.
We will be travelling to Munich on Friday and that is very excititng because Munich is such a large and beautiful city. I am interested to know how I feel there.

As I am writitng this it is snowing buckets just outside the window. Real snowflakes thinkening the air with their mad rush to the ground. The snow - by the way - is like a million little slightly softened ice-cicyles. It doesn't so much clump as it layers itself upon the ground. It is beautiful and I am thankful to have that beauty in my life right now.

Weihnachtsmarkt

I have a new love in my love. I haven't felt this way since I discovered wasabi peas! The chirstmas market is reason enough to come to Germany during the most freezing cold time of the year! The mulled wine, in German glutwine, is my new best friend. So are all of the outdoors food stalls, the tons of people standing aorund the tables drinking with their families there. All of the present booths - just everything. The Christmas markets rock! I love them, walking through them, next to them, smelling them, remembering they exist! Hand's down - my new favorite thing. It's like when you are doing something and you say to yourself - this is so awesome right now - I just know my memeory will torture me with all of the wonderful glory of how special this moment is for the rest of life until I get back to a christmas market in Germany before I die - well that's how I feel about it.

It's where I'm at

Sometimes there are moments in a brilliant life that feel kind of…well, pathetic. This brilliant lifer is currently experiencing one of them. In fact, psychotically pathetic would be a more accurate description of how I have been feeling. I’ve come to horrible, confusing, desperate crossroads. I am hoping that leaving the country will help.
I started this blog to capture the brilliance of my life because at that time I was convinced that I actually had some more brilliance in store. I am trying to desperately to remember what that feels like. I feel put down, used up, shaken around and spit out. I am sure this is not the last crisis I will experience. My goal has become to sharpen my strengthening mechanisms and continue to grow. But really I just need to get a handle on my shit. BIG TIME. It’s like this: I thought that going to school and working really hard would land me an opportunity that would be beneficial to my ultimate goal of getting the hell out of dodge. Do I wish I did it differently now – 6 years later. 6 years older and more bitter than when I made the decision to leave my beloved Paris? Don’t think I don’t remember the day, the exact moment I made such a god-awful choice. Did it feel counter-intuitive…yes. Did it feel like I was taking the easier route – kind of. At that point I had already started buying into the lie that if you have an education and work really hard you can “get somewhere”. Apparently somewhere doesn’t mean Paris. The fuel that has kept my fires lit has been quite simply hushed out. Smothered, if you will. The effort it takes to get up and face another morning brightly (which I am pretty good at) and then go out into the world and get trampled on over and over again is swiftly drying up in my heart. It is too much of an effort. I am not happy, I am not hopeful. I have no refuge – no love of life – only bullshit that, obviously, doesn’t keep me going very well. I hate to make this sound like the pity party of 2007 – but I am certainly having one…wanna join?

IT’S WHERE I’M AT - And that’s all I have to say about it for now.