Saturday, September 24, 2011

Working mother syndrome

Many of you are well aware of my on going confusion and uncertainty about everything in my life how I will educate my girls. I publicly declared, for the benefit of things working out how I want them to, that I want to home school my girls. I still believe that homeschooling and world travel would provide the best education possible for them but I am also coming to realize that  it is a full time job. Full time mothering is a full time job.  I have a full time job and for a while there thought I could fit the homeschooling into the extra. Being the sole provider of their education is not something for the extra. In the time that I am not at work, I am struggling to be one hundred percent present at home. We read books constantly, we take walks regularly, we do bath time and breakfast time and dinner time daily. On the weekends we go out and tend to the garden and cath up with the neighbors. I put them in their pajamas and we tuck them into bed every night, only to wake up and do it all over again the following day.

For those of you with children this will be something that you can easily relate to. For those of you that have full time jobs with two toddlers that you have to say goodbye to everyday and slink in guiltily to every evening, this will also sound familiar to you. Unfortunately I do not have any friends that have to leave their small children that age and go and be away from them all day. This is probably because I live in Morocco and it is not common. I have some work colleagues that also work all day and miss their kids, but they are older. I had one colleague that had a child the same age as mine and you know what? She be around him more.

Anyways, this post is not about me feeling bad for myself for having to find the balance between work and kids. I could quit too, or go to part time or just find a well paid part time teaching job somewhere.  I am not willing to do any of those things because I am ambitious and because I have worked hard to have my career.

I know this is a hot button subject and I don't say this meaning that stay at home moms are not ambitious. This is not a comparison, I am simply analysing myself and tyring to understand my own decisions. I am coming to see these years of heartache over missing them during the day as part of the work I have done to have a career. It is a choice. I chose a very long time ago to get into my field, I had good fortune and a good work ethic. I gave it all up once, I got it all back. I am not quitting now. I am proud of it. Would I rather be with my kids all day than at work? Yes. Am I hoping that as they grow and begin to have their own lives outside of our home, that feeling will get better? Yes. Do I know that I will never ever get all of these days away from them wathcing them grow and need me and being able to guide and love them to their maximum back? Yes. I know that. I do not have it so mixed up that I think that what I do all day is more important than that. I guess I am just trying to make it through though. I am trying to hang on tight and make it through these years of heart break. I am trying to do the best I can, go in as late as possible and leave as early as possible. I am delaying haircuts for six months at a time. I do nothing outside of work if not with them. I am putting aside me because I want to give as much as possible to them in the time I am not already promised somewhere else.

I know that won't last forever either. I know that soon I will scoop them up and take them to the hairdresser with me. They will sit quietly behind me in good behavior so that they can get their hair done after (if they ever get any hair). I will watch them as the hair dresser makes a big to do as though he is 'doing' their hair (this will happen because it is Morocco and no one would say no to it). They will be beautiful and we will talk and shop and go to plays together. They will be kind little companions. I already see it. We already share some of these moments, but then they are slashed by a two year old fit or a dirty diaper or running off and an inability to reason because they are still just my sweet little babies. I am not rushing them. I love these days, I love it when one of them cries out in the middle of the night and I have a good enough excuse to go and get her out of bed, clinging to me then cuddling down into the space between my body and the pillow.

I am just trying to do the best I can I guess. It is hard but it is beautiful.

I meant to write about wading my way through the education system here today. But I will save that. Trust. It is on the way.

Thanks for letting me share!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Work Stress

So, it is that time of year again. For the past 6 years Back to School (BTS) = high high stress for me. I will only very vaguely mention my job on here, so I won't go into details of why or how BTS is stressful but let's just say that many of these days end with me crying or falling down or picking fights with my husband because I just don't have it in me to be gracious about anything. These days mostly begin with a battered, fatigued version of myself mustering up the energy and strength to make it through another 12 hour work day and then checking emails from home afterwards.

Yesterday, was a combination of everything I just listed above. ALL OF IT Most of it (I didn't pick a fight with my husband, I tried but didn't succeed. He was really great actually). The midnight emails, the falling down, the raging fit of tears, plus yelling in meetings, swearing off people and knowing that I am powerless to change an entire professional culture and that actually NO MATTER WHERE I AM IN IN THE WORLD, BTS = STRESS.

You know, I kind of think of it the same way I think of my Fernbank years. Fernbank was EVERY Friday night. And still four years later, I feel lucky to have Friday nights free. One day...I will be so grateful to enjoy September without the stress of BTS.

Back to yesterday and then again today and probably tomorrow and DEFINITELY mantra is going to be this: I don't feel sorry for myself, I am not a victim, I am grateful for the life I have, I am very lucky and I love my life.

This is the mantra that will get me through this Back to School BS.

I wish you a wonderful day.

I'll just be over here.

In the corner.

Rocking myself back and forth and repeating my mantra in the moments when I am alone.

Running up and down stairs and in and out of rooms and meetings and interactions in high heels, dresses and make-up for the rest of the time.

Friday, September 09, 2011

Thanks Harmony

For introducing me to this fun, friday time waster!!!!! This is, for those of you who know me, my signature look. (in my head of course)

And this is my "invited to a cocktail party in Alaska would never actually wear" look

New Look

New Look - from H&M

Products in this look:

Boots, &DENIM Jeans, BlouseH;amp;

This is closest to what I am wearing today!

And Finally, this is what I would actually wear to a winter cocktail party.

Ok so which one do you like the best?

Thanks again Harmony, that was great fun!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

Magical Morocco

So, yes, I cried and I miss everyone and it so hard to be back and all of that is still true BUT this post is about what makes it better. What makes it more than beareable, what makes it magic really. This post is about what justifies it and how I am able to still be really happy, actually feel really grateful to be here. Even if I still do the missing...

First things first, He makes it magic :

2.) The way that they love home makes it magic:

3.) Friends like this make it magic:
4.) Pools like this make it magic:

Images of Eldorador Club Palmeraie, Marrakech
This photo of Eldorador Club Palmeraie is courtesy of TripAdvisor

5.) Food like this make it yummy:
Images of Eldorador Club Palmeraie, Marrakech
This photo of Eldorador Club Palmeraie is courtesy of TripAdvisor

6.) Champagne Dinners that end up looking like this make it magic:

7.) A night out on the town with my husband make it magic:

8.) Restaurants like this make it perfect for me:

9.) Wine like this make it really enjoyable:
and this:

10.) Oh my are we already at TEN!!!

Speeding through a wild palm oasis with my husband listed above at midnight after enjoying a bottle of wine listed above, in the restaurant listed above after a day at the pool listed above with your kids listed above and those great friends listed above MAKE IT MAGIC:

That about covers it!

Oh and Spa treatments help also!