Friday, December 07, 2007

It's where I'm at

Sometimes there are moments in a brilliant life that feel kind of…well, pathetic. This brilliant lifer is currently experiencing one of them. In fact, psychotically pathetic would be a more accurate description of how I have been feeling. I’ve come to horrible, confusing, desperate crossroads. I am hoping that leaving the country will help.
I started this blog to capture the brilliance of my life because at that time I was convinced that I actually had some more brilliance in store. I am trying to desperately to remember what that feels like. I feel put down, used up, shaken around and spit out. I am sure this is not the last crisis I will experience. My goal has become to sharpen my strengthening mechanisms and continue to grow. But really I just need to get a handle on my shit. BIG TIME. It’s like this: I thought that going to school and working really hard would land me an opportunity that would be beneficial to my ultimate goal of getting the hell out of dodge. Do I wish I did it differently now – 6 years later. 6 years older and more bitter than when I made the decision to leave my beloved Paris? Don’t think I don’t remember the day, the exact moment I made such a god-awful choice. Did it feel counter-intuitive…yes. Did it feel like I was taking the easier route – kind of. At that point I had already started buying into the lie that if you have an education and work really hard you can “get somewhere”. Apparently somewhere doesn’t mean Paris. The fuel that has kept my fires lit has been quite simply hushed out. Smothered, if you will. The effort it takes to get up and face another morning brightly (which I am pretty good at) and then go out into the world and get trampled on over and over again is swiftly drying up in my heart. It is too much of an effort. I am not happy, I am not hopeful. I have no refuge – no love of life – only bullshit that, obviously, doesn’t keep me going very well. I hate to make this sound like the pity party of 2007 – but I am certainly having one…wanna join?

IT’S WHERE I’M AT - And that’s all I have to say about it for now.


cutiepiespacepop said...

and then out of nowhere...

it gets fuckin' worse.

hooray life!

there is good news and bad news...

the good news, the bad times NEVER, EVER last...

...the bad news, neither do the good.

you have handled yourself with such grace, courage, humility and strength that I do not recognize the girl I met 6 years ago...the girl you clamor to reach back to and hold comfortingly in the streets of Paris is literally no longer there. She has been replaced by another. Someone whose skin has changed to smooth and eyes have the shimmer of a brilliant life. This replacement has her heart broken in to "a million little pieces" and yet somehow has the courage and faith to laugh so hard that her tears flow seamlessly from sorrow into joy and back again...all elegantly contained in a simple, tired smile.

you will always look back to a life of brilliance. it is what we do. you will also slowly gain a power so amazingly elusive that many you encounter shall never possess it. the ability to feel brilliant. here. now. in this shit of pain. and not.

you will walk this path with your head up and that beautiful heart shaped chin out and your eyes full of fire. you will come in and out of lives like a song that no one can get forget the tune.

you will do this because of who you are. you will do this because of what you feel. you will do this because it is not a choice, but a chalice in which you drink of more life than any of us can dare to taste.

I love you.

You are brilliant.

Marian said...

You are brilliant. (and if you hadn't made that choice, I'd never have met you... and my life would be less brilliant!)