Saturday, November 10, 2007

A Life Update

This Saturday morning has started out tranquil. Hugo brought me breakfast and tea in bed while I watched a romantic comedy starring Vince Vaughn at his finest. I loungingly walked Shaka around my beautiful neighborhood and photographed the journey around the block, such a relaxing time to have to myself after such a crazy week of work.

The last week of my life has been consumed with a theme I seem to revisit at least 3 times a year. I have again become obsessed with moving away from Atlanta. This time it is a real possibility. Things were looking like it was going to happen quicker than I could actually digest the change. Now things have slowed down a bit and I am left contemplating what it is that my heart truly desires.

I believe I already know the answer to this question. I believe that the plan was never for me to return to Atlanta and live here forever. It turns out, I’ve been back in this town for 6 years now. That’s quite a while for someone who only came back to leave.

The decision to move is no longer up to me for the moment. I just have to wait. And as you all know, waiting for someone else to decide my life is not something I am very good at. I am trying to distract myself with projects around the home, cleaning, writing, walking the dog and taking pictures. I am sick of pining, talking, pleading, adrenaline induced highs from all of the possibilities that abound. I keep telling myself that it will be okay no matter what. That I will be happy either way, but I am actually terrified that the chance to move will disappear and I will stuck here in Atlanta another year, trying to get out. That is as honest as I can be.

My beautiful sister advised me to go, “just go” she said, “you will be happier”. I believe her because she is a good listener. If any of you are wondering, Hugo is on board as well. I hope – I mean, he wants to be. He will, he can’t stay, there would be no reason for that. I want him with me, we could really have a shot at happiness. I am certain of this. I wonder if it is me, if there is a problem with me. If I should just be happy where I am and stop trying to plan my escape. I have a creeping suspicion that it is me, but it’s not a lack of ability to be happy where I am, it’s quite simply – what I want.

It’s my brilliant life and I can’t escape it. Yes it’s brilliant to live around your family, love them, be close to them. But it’s also brilliant to move to the third largest city in the U.S. and walk around your neighborhood and share your life with the strangers that inhabit the same spaces as you. Chicago is a beautiful city and I’ve been obsessed with it for about 3 years now. It feels right - it feels doable. It feels like the next step for me.

~How I feel about Paris today~

Paris, oh Pairs. I truly, honestly, seriously believe that this move will only bringer me closer to my ultimate dream of leaving the U.S. forever. That’s how I feel about Paris today. The same.

1 comment:

Marian said...

You are amazing.