Je sais

I know, I know - it's totally screwed up to have a blog with an entire section dedicated to how I feel about Paris, be in Paris, and still not update this blog. I need to be flogged.

~How I feel about Paris Today~

This is, incidentally, my last day here. (for now)
So I guess I feel sad about Paris today. happy to be off of French keyboards, but sad never the less. Paris is still Paris, open armed, jealous woman always trying to seduce me back into the whirlwind of cafes and stinky metros. She is of course more beautiful than ever, and her inhabitants chicer and nicer than ever as well.

I have had a great time here. I have been happy here. I have felt like myself again. After such a dramatic few months I was not sure how I would receive and be received here, but I'll be damned if it isn't the same old thing: I feel great in Paris, I love everyone, I love the French language, I found a new bar that is my FAVORITE, I found a new restarant that is my FAVORITE, I forgot how much I love Gouloise lights, I swear I would by a bike if I lived here, holy crap I MUST have those boots, blah blah blah... just like that.

Something did change this time though...something felt different. Paris is no longer an unaccesible dream in my head. I realized this time, that it is just a city. It happens to be the most beautiful city in the world in my opinion. I happens to own my heart, but really Paris is just a big, international city. My point is, it's accesbile. Of course I can live in Paris if I want, or anywhere in Europe for that matter. It is simply a matter of going. I just have to go. SO there it is, no more excuses. It's on me now to go.

I thought Paris was such a huge unaccesible dream because of the time I spent here; the anorexic, alcoholic dementia of many nights passed as a 22 year old. So being here now, 29, not anorexic (at all), short hair, life just having slapped the shit out of me, someone that works everyday, someone that takes ther friggin lunch to work with them...I realize that yes, I still want a life of markets and walking and people, close and everywhere. Yes i still want it, I am willing to desperatly long and pine over south georgia everyday, my father, my family, my piedmont park, but to live an ocean away. So again, I choose that. Thank you Paris.

It's over - The non-homage

What a long sejourne from the truth...
I have been avoiding this one people.
Hugo and I are over...for good.
I can't say I am filled with regret but this final gesture is simply to update and inform those of you that love and share my life and my updates through this medium.

~How I Feel about Paris Today~
We almost made it. It was obviously something never meant to be. We were never meant to "always have Paris". I will always have the Paris of before and afterwards. I am leaving for the beautiful city on the 13th of September. With a bruised and heavy heart I will re-evaluate, decompress and hopefully above all else heal a little there this time. Closer than ever, closer than ever.

Midtown Me

Sometimes I feel as though I am seeing my neighborhood through my own eyes…deep huh?
As I was driving out of TJ’s parking lot today these were my thoughts, :”Modern Urbanism as experienced by me. I live in these streets not on them. I walk in between these tress not through them. I don’t really attend the festivals and larger city sponsored parties. My gatherings happen more on the sidewalk crack side if things.
I feel separate from the all of the perceived baseball hat clad assholes who feel like they are a part of midtown and live near piedmont park because they are “part of the scene”. I am much more akin to the strung out older gay men that take their vodka tonics with little tonic and have death defining roller blading stories on the hills surrounding the park. I too have had my suicidal, down in the dumps, inhabiting this neighborhood before it was like this stories.
But this is the thing…
Nobody gets it, believes it. Top all of the rest I am simply a white girl in her late twenties paying too much rent to live by the park and go back and forth to my job which is no longer in the food service industry. I guess I could pretend to truly be one of these women…except I’m not and I would always feel inadequate (or superior) when listening to their laments of over paid corporate jobs and joy if their proximity to this park.
This park, this piedmont park is my heart and soul.

What started out as my in between has slowly become my…life…twenties…college years and adolescent memories. It is my everything. I am fine like that. I will continue to represent, proverbially dressed in black for the poor and beaten down, living in what USED to be the hopeless side of town.


~How I Feel About Paris Today~

More than ever baby, more than ever. The more I become comfortable with being an adult that is from the land I inhabit, the more I feel closer to affecting my dream, living my authentic purpose and getting the fuck back to Paris.