Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Obvious Child

I love Paul Simon. These lyrics touch my heart in that familiar entrancing way that I have always been obsessed with words and phrases. Tonight finds me powerless, literally, and contemplative by candlelight. I would be angry at the gas company or feel bad for myself if I had a good reason for that. I find myself remembering not only Paul Simon, but Jimmy Buffet crooning, “It’s my own damn fault” in the last verse of Margaritaville. I have always been inspired by the progressive dawning and acceptance of guilt that song expresses. With that sentiment, I am going to take a leap into my uncertainty and say - The happiness and ease with which I am able to accept my guilt in the current situation of simply not paying my electricity bill, makes me feel like the obvious child. The fact that I have worked really hard to get through school studying something that I love with all of my heart and lexicon and then easily (yeah right) graduated and gracefully (uh-huh, banana) transitioned into the next phase of my life, makes me the obvious child. The fact that this evening finds me in the second to final week of obligation at a job that I have been dreaming of leaving for a couple years now makes me the obvious child. Maybe when sunny contemplates that fact that some rooms feel like cages, having had everything always, Sunny born with a happy disposition finally meets his own disillusionment with just being okay, this means that there is room for me to move away from my wounds. They are not my cages; I am therefore, the obvious child. It’s oh so very obvious to me just now.

~How I feel About Paris Today~
As much as I feel the need to throw down roots here and maybe do something stupid like settle for less than Paris – I still long for this city called Paris. I still remember the way it feels intoxicating, charming, quaint, huge, untamable and insatiably alive all at the same time. I miss Paris. I am happy here for the moment, only because I know I am working towards getting there. As far as living the life I want to live – I am happy with the life I live right now and looking forward to what lies ahead. The cycle of anguish to okay that I have been on for the past five years has instilled a little faith in me that sometimes the suffering does end and there might just be a sunny day waiting. I know, I know, I am being really friggin’ optimistic. Maybe I should have named this post “what goes up…”

1 comment:

Marian said...

Optimistic is a wonderful way to be. I loved this post. You are so beautiful and wise. Obvious, or not obvious. Optimistic or not. Settled or not. None of it matters. I love you just the way you are.