Monday, December 06, 2010

Letting Go

On letting go... I have been yearning to write something about this for quite sometime. But has felt too big and too painful. So When I saw this prompt for my reverb10 project, I could not ignore it:

Prompt: Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

So...The answer to this is not as past tense as the question asks. I am in the process of letting go...
of myself...
my former self.

You see, everyday, after leaving your home, trading in one country for another, uprooting yourself from everything you know and love in order to create that same space around you in a different place, everyday, is a process in letting go.

I loved my old life, I love the people that were in it on a daily basis. I love the places where I lived and worked and played and passed all the time in my everyday. And because I hate doing things that are  not my idea, I have really fought this process of letting go of those places and people and ideas about who I am.

What does this mean?

Does it mean that you don't love the people you love anymore?


It means that you accept that they are no longer a part of your everyday life. They are not watching and laughing your childrens' milestones, nor you theirs. They are not the ones that you call crying, angry, broken and needing to be put back together again, they are not the ones inviting you over for a warm cup of tea on a boring winter evening. They are replaced by new faces,new places. They are reluctantly accepted and constantly compared-to your old life.
Your old government, your old way of changing lanes while driving, your old holidays that you always call or text your seasons greetings on are all replaced by the equivalent version. But then it is just that, it is the equivalent, not the original. You...well I...always have a reference of what-was, therefore, what-is becomes second place, necessarily accepted. The choice between having it or not. Am I making sense?

But then time works its magic and you find yourself more able to accept the equivalent, aware of the new protocol, offended in its absence, transformed. Heavy Hearted for knowing it. Never forgetting, but accepting the letting go never the less.

My evidence, in the form of a very personal letter to a very close friend:

I had such a great evening with you! It was so brief and I wanted so much more, but I am so thankful for the time I had in your home. This is it you know? Our lives...our friendship...I realized the other day that I have, for years now, wanted more from our friendship, in the sense of like wanting to see you on a weekly basis. Since I have moved here I have somehow convinced myself that the distance between myself and my friends is somehow temporary, that our relationships are awaiting for us to be joined again physically and then I had an epiphany while driving home from work that this is it. This is the friendship. Through emails and one night steal aways  and maybe week long vacations if you and your family come to visit or me and mine come to visit you. But that it is not going to change and that the friendship actually dwells in our hearts, not in the physical space between laughing faces.
kinda sad, kinda cool.

That letter, that this-is-it moment was a turning point for me. Acceptance...horrible, passive, wise, unjust, grown up, complacent, necessary, heartbreaking acceptance.


cutiepiespacepop said...

ugh...this hurts...i know so well these lines...these feelings and i have fought like mad to completely deny them blindly refuse to accept...NO! I will NOT look at the truth~~! NO! I will NOT believe I am not dreaming...

As I slowly realize that this is it...this is the real part of stomach aches...badly...and my chest burns...and I try so hard to not cry...

I still have not gazed on the truth...I have not come close to knowing it at all...and I am so, so terrified to do so...why? What scares me so it that the little voice in my head still believes one day life will once again be geographically silly to hold that dream so tightly...

If what I am doing had power to affect the world...time would effectively stop...stop cold and still...until the missing pieces of my heart were back...until I could fill back up again...and I don't want to read this...I don't want to know that I have to scar over...I don't want! I do not want to one bit.

Nona LaRue said...

me neither. and i won't. you are in my everyday life. and if you think i buy for a second that you're done movin', nomad - nope, uh uh, no way. srs. i love you.

p.s. i know you must and i know it's done. and its okay.

southernvariety said...

i love this! it speaks exactly what i have recently come to terms with considering a couple of people. it's funny how it was such a "duh" moment, when it was really so clear all along that this is the friendship now, it's been that way for years and i thought it was temporary. it hurts when friends you've tried to hold on to let it slip away- who even wants to contemplate their reasons- but knowing i'll be there if they want to come back and that i have the resources to move along and cultivate new relationships in the meantime is so healthy it almost makes me sick. :)

southernvariety said...

eta- i feel like your letter to your friend summed up a slightly different scenario, but it was still good to read another person's words regarding this kind of thing; it hits very close to home at the moment. :)