Thursday, December 07, 2006

Annnnnnnnnnnd (snap) New life now!

Wait what? It doesn’t work like that? That’s what I learned today. That’s it I did it. Well, not really yet but I’m damn close! Today I did complete all of my course work and then I… FREAKED OUT! I mean there was actually shoving of food into my mouth as fast as I could interspersed with rapid pacing all over my apartment that resulted in a compulsive to-do list of things to-do after college. This moment finds me burnt out on searching for apartments in Chicago as I have been doing non-stop for the last three hours. I am in the shit people, after-college-mental-detox has officially begun! I knew this would happen so it is not a big surprise that it has already started. Honestly, I am scared, shitless in fact. Everything in my life has been all about after I graduate from college for the past 5 years, now all of that wishing, hoping, dreaming, planning, plotting, lusting after different-ness has met it’s moment. And…nothing feels that different. I guess I should finish my exams first right? Then live out the month at least. I am going to give myself some time, some love, and some congratulations. This is a crazy time for me and as far as being brilliant is concerned…well I’ll work on that over drinks with Hugo tonight, I’ll keep you updated.

I also realize that I don’t write enough about my romance with him on here, so here’s a little throwback. He made me mad this morning, I mean fuming mad. We got in a dumb argument on the phone and I felt attacked and not supported when I needed it the most. (This is not the romantic part). So when I got home from school I saw his car parked across the street from my apartment and I knew that he was in there. I, of course, was hoping for an apology and flowers and “I love you so much I can’t believe I am such an immature idiot, you are totally right about everything and I am wrong about everything and you are way more evolved and cooler and capable in general and…” you get the point. Well, instead of all that, I was greeted with a shrug and then silence. I stood there, shocked, starring at him and waiting…for…something…anything really. He finally got up and asked me if I wanted to have coffee. That turned into a walk in the park and a totally light conversation about non-related to fight stuff. I know, I know, not so romantic just yet. So then he was leaving for work and I was standing there and I think I lightly elbowed him and tried to pass it of as an accident, which he totally called me on and poked me and that turned into him stopping in front of me, holding intense eye contact and reaching out his hand to run open-palmed across my neck bone. It was like a half-grab half-rub maneuver that resulted in a very warm embrace. That was it, no apology, no I’m right you’re wrong, just a neck bone rub. And, in retrospect, that was all that was needed. He kind of did say all of that in that one gesture. He said it with his eyes and his presence, his on-going commitment and sturdiness in the relationship and finally he said it in the way that he touched me. That is why I love him, and that is, in my opinion, what romance is all about.

How I Feel About Paris Today

I still love Paris. As much as I am plotting an escape to Chicago, Paris still owns my heart. I actually slightly miss my Paris daydreaming. I also feel like I am kind of cheating on Paris right now, however, this is obviously just where I’m at in my process right now. For the record, Paris is top. It has my heart. I love Paris and that won’t ever change. I want to live in Paris forever. For now, I’m going to have to settle for reading other people’s blogs about living in Paris


cutiepiespacepop said...

what? what? chicago? what?

Anonymous said...

do people say "Snap" everywhwere? i never heard it used as a common expression till i moved to santa fe. now i say it everyday, especially to my boyfriend who seems so lost. you can't recall something? then someone will tell you to snap. i guess before santa fe, i heard people say snap to it, like go do it...snap is something i have to say to break me out of self dillusional crap or worry or fear, snap brings me into focus.