a mother of two

I have been asking myself the following: Who was she? Where is she now? When did she go? Do I miss her? I know I think fondly of her, but do I wish I were her? Am i jealous of her? Do I feel bad for her? Do I even feel like protecting her? Why don't I care about her more? When did she go? Where is she now? She feels so replaced by...a mother of two. Those are the words that have been lately pushing out all traces of her. Those are the words that jump up from dirty toilet stalls with no lights in them at loupi land. Those are the words that have been haunting me and enthralling me for a while now. Those are the words that I never mention in relation to leaving work early or coming into work late. Those are the words I secretly yell at incompetent, small minded and incidentally, mother of one co-workers that I hate. Those are the words that I am trying to understand and swallow and get out of pocket in every one of my pants. Those are the words that silently speak on my behalf when I don't feel the need to speak anymore.

And her...well she was a mother of not even one. A mother in waiting if you will. She always knew she would one day be a mother. Probably of three. When she saw the round shapes on the screen and tried desperately to NOT FREAK OUT, she didn't yet have those words, that mother of two vocabulary. In fact for the longest time, she just felt lucky and happy and terrified. She didn't feel like a mother of any.

Then she started to feel like a mother, generally, then a mother specifically, then...she...disappeared all together and left standing in her place this...mother of two...a little confused as to how she got here and where the other one went. But, you know, being a mother of two, she doesn't have that much time to dwell on it.

Just in the stolen moments, husband out of town, the children asleep, lights out, teeth brushed, had fallen asleep but woke up again to write this...