Monday, October 23, 2006

Letter to self

Dear Girl Leading a Brilliant Life,

I know things have been a little hard for you this year. Your 27th year seems to have started with a scooter crash that left you bruised and bloody and you haven’t really recovered since. I also know that in spite of the scooter crash you had such high hopes for this year of your life. You don’t usually allow omens to affect your overall thinking when they are negative signs. I am writing to say that maybe you should pay attention. Maybe the scooter crash was the big omen and it’s just not going to get better for you. Maybe you’ll die, maybe someone you love will instead. Maybe it will just keep getting worse until you do actually develop an ulcer and flip your lid. Maybe that will happen to you in a moment that was supposed to be serene and under control, like, I don’t know practicing hot yoga or something like that. You should probably be fearful and skeptical of all things. Set yourself up so that you are no longer surprised by the pain and agony of misfortune knocking at your door. Maybe this year is all about that, maybe you have to learn to be more careful and wearier and you should probably consider just stopping your pursuit of any pleasure in life because it doesn’t look like that is going to happen. Is this what you wanted me to say?

The Other Me: “No”

Well what the fuck do you want me to say about the pathetic mess of your life right now??!! Have you seen the balls of dog hair that circulate in your apartment and the piles of clothes and unopened mail? Do you realize you haven’t even gone to the mailbox in a week and you walk past it everyday? You drink too much, smoke too many cigarettes, don’t take your dog out enough, you’re mean to your mother, you procrastinate like a 12 year old who doesn’t want to clean her room or write her book reports (yes, I’m referring to you at 12 also!), and you don’t really seem to be affected by my utter disgust with your life!

The Other Me: “Well, I was doing okay, and then my therapist moved to Denver, my car broke down, My little sister got knocked up, I crashed a scooter, had to file for bankruptcy, stopped giving a shit about my wonderful new job and really just became incapable of taking care of myself in general.”

Good, we are becoming one…your voice is my voice…

The other me: “but…in spite of all of that, I have some really good friends that love me a lot”

You don’t see them enough because you’re too busy…

The Other Me: “I am going to apply for that job that I want really badly and I might get it…I could…I might could…and no I won’t use a double modal in the interview but I defend the semantic legitimacy of the use of double modals in general so go fuck yourself if you’ve got a problem with my using them!”


The Other Me: “Yeah so, I could get the job and I am graduating and I just have to live through one more month and a half of torturous hell and in the mean time I am writing again and taking pictures that I love and I had really good sex just yesterday!”

Okay, okay, I see how you could still be optimistic in the face of all of this torturous hell, but don’t you still doubt and possibly even hate yourself just a little bit still? Aren’t you scared that all of your optimism is a pathetic ploy to keep your washed up, destined for misery self from completely offing yourself thus ending your inadequate existence on this earth?

The Other Me: “maybe…maybe”


Marian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Marian said...

Here's what I meant to write, when I wrote before... but later had crippling worries about my style and have great fear that I would be misunderstood... I hope my general level of nerotic anxiety reduces significantly by the end of my 27th year... but I'm not counting on it... I love your writing. I also think you may be totally normal (ya know... in a Brilliant way). I got dog hair piles, dirty laundry... I never check the mail... I miss my therapist like crazy and blab about him and how much I miss him to anyone who will listen... and on my blog about once a week... to me, it sounds like you are living the year 27 exactly the way it's meant to be lived. Or at least almost exactly like I'm living it. Love you carrie!

Anonymous said...

I remember this torture within my friend and I in a far of place called Paris. we were wretched we were wonderful. one thing we were not was careful or cautious. that was 6 years ago. it took the birth of my daughter, not the pregnancy even, but her birth that finally shook me into cautiousness. i do believe there are always events in people's lives to teach, especially the wreckless youth, the benefits and maturity of careful thinking. its taking care when you don't want to . its becoming a mommy or daddy to a child or to yourself. some people get it right away. other's like me and my friend, take lots of time to live without care. i miss it now, but only sometimes. with my daughter, i can never afford that life again. a brilliant life is always brilliant