Sunday, October 15, 2006


I feel somewhat uninspired for this one...Let's see what happens. It is Sunday and cold, Cold Sunday. I had frantic stress dreams last night about people telling me that they did not care about what I had to say. I freaked out and started to throw all of them out of a space that was not my own to do so. Then my boss showed up and tried to stop me. I told her she needed to back me up and she apologized and helped me throw the rest of the people out. Then I dreamed that I was bouncing on a pink balloon down a very long highway in the hot sun. I was trying to get to the nursing home where my great grandma is and my grandfather was bouncing on a pink balloon as well. He was behind me and we were arguing. Mainly I was angry at him, I felt that he put her there, but he felt it was my fault as well and nothing ever got resolved. We almost just scorched to death on the highway. Then I woke up this morning and my neck was even more sore than yesterday.

I think my family does not love me as much as I love them, at least certain factions of them. They probably don't realize it, but it's true. I believe that my stepmother thinks of me as very different from herself. Different in an inconvenient kind of way. I guess I am different in that way. She tells everyone this joke lately about how my father wanted to call my little sister and tell her that she does not have a birthday because she was a c-section. My step mom says that her response went something like, "I doubt Cayla would give a shit about that but if you called Carrie and told her that, she would be in therapy for years." At first I thought it to be a funny little anecdote / commentary on our personality differences. But yesterday I had a different thought about it. It went something like this...Fcuk You. You don't know me at all and you'd probably be shocked at the amount of adversity I have endured in my life. Fcuk you again for thinking that a dumb ass comment could actually affect my ability to function normally for a second. My normal is acknowledgement of my emotions and awareness of self. So to summarize, Fcuk you for not knowing how much strength that takes.


Marian said...

DAMN~! C'mon carrie, let's drive up to your dad's place and give your step-mom a come to jesus talk... what kind of an insecure.......... anyhow.... not the nicest things I'm thinking right now....

cutiepiespacepop said...

you know what...that hurts me. it might put ME in therapy for years. what she meant by that was that she is admitting how hurtful saying something like that would be and you are a beautiful and sensitive soul. that is what i hear in those words, that is what i HAVE to hear in those words. it was a horrible day...the day i was told that the medication free, natural birth was to be taken away from was a horrible day when all the many expensive birthing classes i had taken were rendered useless. i felt strange and overwhelmed to be the one to pick his actual that still does not feel right to me...but as my father so aptly put it...a hundred years ago and we both would have died.

i love you carrie...happy birthday again and again!