I feel somewhat uninspired for this one...Let's see what happens. It is Sunday and cold, Cold Sunday. I had frantic stress dreams last night about people telling me that they did not care about what I had to say. I freaked out and started to throw all of them out of a space that was not my own to do so. Then my boss showed up and tried to stop me. I told her she needed to back me up and she apologized and helped me throw the rest of the people out. Then I dreamed that I was bouncing on a pink balloon down a very long highway in the hot sun. I was trying to get to the nursing home where my great grandma is and my grandfather was bouncing on a pink balloon as well. He was behind me and we were arguing. Mainly I was angry at him, I felt that he put her there, but he felt it was my fault as well and nothing ever got resolved. We almost just scorched to death on the highway. Then I woke up this morning and my neck was even more sore than yesterday.
I think my family does not love me as much as I love them, at least certain factions of them. They probably don't realize it, but it's true. I believe that my stepmother thinks of me as very different from herself. Different in an inconvenient kind of way. I guess I am different in that way. She tells everyone this joke lately about how my father wanted to call my little sister and tell her that she does not have a birthday because she was a c-section. My step mom says that her response went something like, "I doubt Cayla would give a shit about that but if you called Carrie and told her that, she would be in therapy for years." At first I thought it to be a funny little anecdote / commentary on our personality differences. But yesterday I had a different thought about it. It went something like this...Fcuk You. You don't know me at all and you'd probably be shocked at the amount of adversity I have endured in my life. Fcuk you again for thinking that a dumb ass comment could actually affect my ability to function normally for a second. My normal is acknowledgement of my emotions and awareness of self. So to summarize, Fcuk you for not knowing how much strength that takes.