Thursday, November 02, 2006

A little venting never hurt anyone

I’m skipping school today…again! Man, I haven’t been this bad since the 9th grade when I would show up at the waffle house in the morning to meet friends, conspire, bum change and take off before anyone would detect us. College has been different, I have reveled in my education. Some classes I couldn’t wait to show up to in order to discuss the reading or go over homework or have intense discussions about things I really do care about. Yeah, this semester…um, not like that. It’s been more littered with the oh my god WHY am I enrolled in this waste of time, piece of crap class when all I want to do is lay in my bed, surf the net and get busy on evolving into the next stage of my life.

Which leads me to the question…what do I want to be when I grow up? Right now, anything that pays 40k a year is sounding pretty nice. I still want to live in Paris so that hasn’t changed…but that’s all this other thing, what I really want to write about is how I want to feel when I grow up…Respected. Thus my struggle has begun…a long time ago in fact! What’s changed is the role I am willing to play for other people…. I’m not willing to be categorized as the pushy one, the confrontational one, the Carrie one. You know, the one that’s too much, too feeling, too sensitive, too honest. Fuck that, everyone has a process and just as much as it could be said that I infringe on other’s peoples methods of not wanting to deal with emotions in an honest way, it could also be said that other people infringe on MY PROCESS of choosing to deal with my stuff in an honest way. And for the record, yes I argued with my sister at my mother’s birthday dinner, but NO I did not ultra confront nor did I yell or push too hard or do anything to warrant the fall out. In fact, I’ve been thinking about the conversation that we did have, the one that everyone now thinks consisted of me confronting and yelling and being really horrible…it went something like this…

Her: “don’t you respect my decision? Can’t you respect my decision?”
Me: “of course I respect your decision, I have no choice but to respect your decisions you are going to be the mother and your decisions rule”
Her: “then you just don’t understand? Well I’m sorry if you don’t know what it’s like to have such good friends that have been there for you more than anyone else in your life”
Me: “Oh I know what that’s like, I have a friend that I feel way more entitled to have a say in her decision making process than I ever even felt in YOURS. It doesn’t mean I love her more it just means that she and I are there with each other everyday…but I wouldn’t give her my baby…not over my family…”
Her: “Well I want my baby to have a religious upbringing and you don’t understand that”
Me; “You really don’t think that your wishes would be respected and catered to exactly as you express them?”
Her: No
Me: (and, of course, this is the only part of the conversation that anyone actually knows enough about to site to me as proof that I am inappropriate) Well F…YOU!

I existed stage left and she sat stunned…
I cried in the parking lot and realized that that might be the baby’s first memory of me and that I am already the worst aunt in the world!
I waited for her to come out of the restaurant and apologized profusely and told her over and over again how much I love her and didn’t mean to tell her to F off…
So that’s how that went…
However, according to others I was ultra-confrontational, drunk, inappropriate, pushing too hard, making other people deal with what only I wanted to…read the above transcription…we were having a conversation.

So, yes I am skipping school today because I hate it and because I am still depressed from last night’s conversation with the other sister. Although we left it nice and she went out on a limb to call me back and make sure I understood that she loves me, and I do understand that…I just disagree with her that my process is fucked…I like my process. Just like, I like my answering machine messages to be a little different. I am sick and tired of people calling my phone and telling me that I need to change my message or they are glad that I did…PAY MY FUCKING PHONE BILL AND I MIGHT FEEL COMPELLED TO GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK OF MY MESSAGE!

Sorry…is this me being inappropriate again?


cutiepiespacepop said...

i wouldn't love you if you were any different. i swear to god i would be carrie-less if you didn't grab a hold of me the very first time we met. remember that for a you told me you were all like "who is this" and i let you know...thank god you did the same.

Marian said...

You, my dear, are a fucking rock star of process. Never-ever change!!!! :- )