Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Oh yeah and it's red
I feel like getting drunk. I feel like feeling something intense. The momentary absence of need, stress, desperation and anguish has left me in quite a tailspin. I can’t feel bad for myself anymore when I drive to work because most of my students drive nicer cars than me. Instead I feel guilty about the ones that take the bus. Hell, I always felt that way, but tonight it was exaggerated, slightly. I wore a white tee shirt and blue jeans to school. I had on black boots and a black sweater with my little fake-pearl earrings I bought at the market. To some this sounds like a reasonable enough outfit, to me it signified the ability to affect minimalist style, possibly complete lack of. I mean what the hell kind of space was I in to choose such an understated anything. I guess I was dressing my part. I have always silently and sometimes, unconsciously, judged people who wear tee shirts. Especially jeans and tee shirts. I don’t mean that offensively, I mean judge in the way that means I would just never make that fashion choice for myself and I am conscious of that. I have also always judged people who drive SUVs and big ole’ trucks in the city. They waste gas and take up too much room on the streets and in parking spaces. So today, I wore a white tee shirt with jeans and got in my big ole’ truck and drove to school. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my truck, I also love the white tee shirt I was wearing (I bought it the same day I got the truck). I am just going through an identity crisis that is commonly referred to as last semester in college. It is good and I will grow I am sure. But I cannot help but to fear that I will sell-out (whatever that means) and never fulfill my dreams and end up working forever in the job that I am “aggressively searching” for. So, enough wining, enough of the angst. I am happy also, today it rained and it was so cold and I had a brand new dodge Dakota to drive to school and work. The heater works and the headlights are bright enough and I cannot feel the elements while I am inside of it. That might be my issue; I am just not used to be okay, certainly not used to looking forward to my drive home or anywhere for that matter. Yes I miss the weaving in and out of traffic and zipping in and out of way too small parking spaces…but not that much, not enough to not be happy about this truck. Life is truly like box of chocolates.