Monday, August 23, 2010

These are the times

the best of times for me. really. ever. And I am not writing it down. I am too consumed with living it. I have a twinge of regret about this every time I remember that writing makes my heart go pitter patter. But then I usually just say, oh well, whatever.

I want to write it down because I want it known, for the record, that I am happier and more grateful for the things I have in my life than ever ever before. I am grateful for the lives I have lived that have led me right here, to this busted up faded blue upholstered office chair in my in my living room.

There is a patch of dead skin, on the big toe of my left foot. well, basically, I hate it. It is so touch and I tried to get a pedicure when I was in the states and the lady said I didn't need it razored and I said oh yes I do, I haven't had a pedi in a year, you take a razor to my feet now. Well she did and then it started to crack and now it just turns the color of whatever shoes I wear, which are usually black. Point? I even love that patch of dead skin. I love and appreciate that ugly and annoying patch of dead toe skin. Because it was a part of getting me right where I am.

A mother of two very very brightly shining stars.
A wife to a very very sincere and loving man.
A professional occupying a very very sweet gig as a director...again, at 31 years old.
A driver of a very very awesome (french) station wagon.
A renter of a very very beautiful apartment which is very very centrally located.

you see here I go again with this compulsion to rattle on about all of the suffering and disgust and angst and tear jerking madness that preceded this current phase of my life. But I won't - not tonight. Tonight I will just say...thank you universe. Thank you energy that inhabits all of the world and conspires at times to torture and at times to delight us. I am happy, so happy and so blessed and it is NOT lost on me. I am not taking any of it for granted. I am thankful and humbled by it everyday. I live in constant fear that it will be taken from me. Constant anticipation of doom. But today...just tonight actually...I am enjoying it. I am saying thank you, I am exhaling and I am going to sleep with this old french proverb floating in my head.

'earthworms bury their heads in the earth so they won't fall so deeply in love with the stars'