Alif Baa

And go…the language learning begins anew today. Did I ever tell you I spent two years of my life studying Arabic? No, well that’s because it was one of the most demoralizing undertakings I have ever…well…undertook. So, what am I doing instead of getting ready for work on this cold mid January morning in Atlanta? I am studying Arabic again. I gave it two years last time because it mattered. I would be lying if I fronted like it doesn’t matter, oh my goodness me, Arabic is such a pain, blah, blah, blah. Yeah right. The reality is that Arabic is the one challenge I could not conquer, the one ambition that left me blind and defeated, high and dry with a sore throat from practicing that little sucker you see at the top of the page. I wrote a poem to that letter once…about the way it tortured me.

I used to go straight for hot tea with honey after class so that I could go at again the next day. I was obsessed. I used to lock myself in these little glass rooms in the university library because they had white boards in them. I would write sentence after sentence after sentence of memorized script. I would stare at the board and repeat the sounds until none of it looked different anymore. I tried really hard, I swear. It is no surprise that during the hour before my last Arabic final, while studying in the library, my back seized up and before I knew what hit me I was on the floor unable to move. I had to be taken to the emergency clinic on campus and was given a heavy does of painkillers. I suffered from back pain for about a year after that. I am still afraid it will come back.

I showed up to that final though. My teacher told me I looked like hell and that there was no way he was letting me take the final. I begged. He let me in the class but said that if I failed the test he would not average it into my grade. I am not sure how I did on that thing, but I think I made a B overall in the class.

So yes, going back in for more now. The difference this time is that there will be no grade or grade point average following me around. Further more I will finally have access to the thing I then spent the next year obsessing over in socio-linguistics, the Moroccan dialect of Arabic. If you want to more about that click here.

Life is a Circle

Life is a Circle
By Black Elk ~ Oglala Sioux ~1863-1950

Everything the power of the world does,
is done in a circle.

The sky is round
and I have heard that the earth
is round like a ball,
and so are all the stars.

The wind in its' greatest power whirls.
Birds make their nests in circles;
for their's is the same religion as ours.

The sun comes forth and
goes down again in a circle.
The moon does the same
and both are round.

Even the seasons form a great circle
in their changing
and always come back
to where they were.

The life of a man is a circle,
from childhood to childhood.
and so it is with everything
where power moves.
*

What is the truth about it? My life right now feels like one gigantic fruit loop back to exactly where I started out 12 years ago. I live approximately 4 blocks away from where I started “my adult life” in this city, on the same street.

Fast forward 4 tumultuous years from that point, to me heaving and naked, choking on my own tears, awoken after 2 hours of sleep and days of drowning the pain of the call I received from him, my Youssef…telling me it was over.

So there I am in, (in Paris… of course) on the mattress in my friend’s boyfriend’s studio (they were vacationing in Fiji…of course) having one of the most defining moments of my then 22 year old life. I was laying next to my lover at the time, a man that I was in the middle of leaving. I was unclothed and it was dusk and we had slept so little for so many long days of drinking and fighting and crying and screaming in the back of taxicabs. We had started out that week together wonderfully. He let me unbraid the 100s of curly little braids on his head. I remember how soft his hair was. I made a Dijon chicken in the toaster oven about 5 nights earlier. The carcass sat on the counter to remind me of how nicely our time together in the studio started out. It was a very different vibe on the day that held the scene I am describing now.

So the thing, the defining moment, through my dusky grief and tears was the singular, overwhelming pulsating thought…I never have to love anyone that way again. It’s over I never have to love anyone that much again. Thank god it’s finally over. I was crying over the profound loss of my first love. I knew that I was free from it…forever.

Fast-forward again to the 29-year-old girl now glued to her couch surrounded by half packed boxes and the scattered treasures of excavated closets. I am contemplating the move I am making now. Where it began. Where it really began and if it means what I am beginning to feel that it means.

Let me explain:

Morocco was before France. Casablanca was before Paris. I went to Paris because I wanted to go to Casa. I moved to France because of all the Moroccans in Paris. Paris was the closest place to Morocco that I could still be on my own and be connected to Morocco. I felt that moving to Morocco and being surrounded by Youssef’s family would be too much for me. But there was always the plan for him to join me. The plan that shattered into 50 million pieces just a couple weeks before the scene I described above.

I did, eventually, go to Morocco. On my own, of course – I have journals to prove it. Journals in which I wrote that I understood that I wasn’t ready before that time. Entries in which I speak of how comfortable I felt there and that I was exactly where I was supposed to be in my life at that moment.

So, the circle is thus. Am I heart broken…again, worse than I have ever been, and running away from the situation into a comforting and long standing relationship with a place OR am I finally going where I always wanted to go anyways?

Am I finally closing the circle and stepping bravely into my magical, brilliant, future? Do I live on the same street I lived on when the concept of Morocco entered my life and have a job in Morocco right now because that is where I am meant to be going or because I am repeating incredibly fucked up patterns?

The thing about being betrayed so badly by Hugo is that I don’t trust anything that I want or feel anymore. Every part of my heart is so shattered that I don’t feel fundamentally capable of making the right decisions for myself. I don’t know if I believe in love or not. I don’t know if I think I am entitled to a brilliant life anymore.

This is what I do know: I have a ticket out of the country in less than 2 months. I have a job contract in Casablanca that begins in March. I am spending time in Paris with some very good friends before I fly off to Casa. I have given my landlord notice and I have resigned from my job. I am doing this. I am leaving. I will be there for at least a year and I am sure it will enrich and develop me as a person in more ways than I understand right now.

Maybe the rest cannot be known from here.

Casa

I have the ticket. I am on the way. I am officially leaving again. Currently disconnecting utilities, packing my bags and weeping about leaving my dog behind. This is one of the most thrilling and terrifying phases I have been through in a long time. This blog will be a go-to place for me to update and inform on the developing brilliance of my move. SO, here is the deal:

I am moving to Casablanca in February of 2009. For the past 7 years of my life I have been here in Atlanta trying to figure out a way to get back to Paris. While I was pursuing my university degree that was fine. I was in school, I had a plan. After graduation, the international jobs were not exactly pouring in so I fell into a pattern of thinking that it was impossible to leave, that no opportunities were there for me.

And then I started applying...

2008 was supposed to be my grounded, happy, "I'm okay where I am year". I finally let go, I opened my heart, I accepted my life and honestly tried to move on from my desperate longing for a different life than what I had. In other words, I settled. I was happy that way, I really was, kind of. My relationships deepened, my community roots grew like squash in June.

And then trauma (or more accurately - drama)...the atom bomb, the ultimate betrayal. In the course of a five minute phone conversation my life flipped completely upside down. I was shown a side of humanity that I will never fully grasp. That was July 14th, 2008. (Queue in the foggy fade into present day, me having a plane ticket BACK to Paris in hand)

It has been one hell of a ride recovering from the betrayal that I endured this year, and one day I will tell that story in it's entirety, when I am ready and able (not too far into the future). I have spent the past 5 months in turmoil for the most part, boredom for the rest of it.

A lot has happened for me this year. But even still I consider 2008 one of the best years of my life.

This blog will not turn into a travel log. This blog will remain a chronicle of my brilliant life. I am assuming that once I am far enough away to breath again, the memories will start flooding back in and I will need to write about them. This is where I will do that. Stay tuned.

~How I Feel About Paris Today~

I feel very hopeful, confident and happy that Paris will be so much closer to my life. I will have the opportunity to speak French probably on a daily basis in Morocco and that will ultimately aide me in my goal to be in Paris.

The decision to move to morocco was made for a number of different reasons. Paris was on that list. High on that list.


p.s. If you want to know more about where I will be LIVING my brilliant new life, click on the picture above.